Closing The Curtain For This Year

Today is the last day of 2009. Has it been memorable? Everybody write something to mark the end, I 'd also do my part. When the economy hits hard at the bottom earlier this year, I still enjoy my flying job, never look at the struggle people has all over the globe to make ends meet. I still have my clothes (perhaps few more new ones), I have food in the fridge (sometimes too much and has expired..gone to waste), I have a lovable and caring husband ( I still have) and I have my cat to muse me when I'm down. Have I ever grateful? Taking things for granted I was all.

Travel has always been my thing. I don't have much money in my bank account but that doesn't stop me from going places.Maybe that's one of the reasons I don't save..It all went to my travel. I went to Lapland for the first time, crossing 200 miles north from the Arctic Circle. That was something to ponder about. Learning about different cultures and understanding them is another. New places I went this year:

• Las Vegas (vacation; for my birthday)
  
• Maldives (surprise vacation for my husband)
• Lapland (vacation)
  
• San Francisco (on duty)
• Seoul (vacation)
• Ireland (tagging along my husband who has to work there for a week)
  
• Midwest (lone vacation)
  
• New York (vacation)
• Los Angeles (on duty)

Family wise --- This year is the first time my mother come to visit me since I left home seven years ago. She came with my sister and they had a good time. I also had a sisterly talk with my sister on our one day in Singapore where she and my brother-in-law came and join me on my stopover. We know deep inside we love each other but we never display the love between us, maybe because she is thirteen years older than I am, so I respected her much more than mere elder sister.

During three months unpaid leave, I was all happy happy joy joy.Then came the dark time of my life, I succumb into depression. I didn't believe that it's happening to me because I'm always the type who can smile and laugh about anything. Always think on the bright side and when suddenly crying and sleeping became my new best-friend..something has gone wrong. I tried talking about my feelings to friends..some took it negatively and backfire me..all I want was someone to understand what I went through and offer unconditional support. Some took it really seriously and one send me to see a psychologist. From that moment on..everything went downhill..

During these dark times I almost lost my marriage, from the thought that I fell in love with someone else..and that someone might not have the slightest feeling towards me..being a performer and all the fame he could get any woman he wants and when we talk..he just feels right in my heart, feels like I have found my long lost love. The fact that he's so wrong for me doesn't make it harder to believe that nothing will EVER happen between us. It clouds my judgement at the time. He's a Taurean which IS 'supposedly' my soulmate. Every now and then when I text him, he would text me back..but just a friendly text..short and simple. No read-in-between-the-lines.Maybe he's not afterall..


Until I decided to quit my job (my high-pay-anyone-can-do-all-you-need-is-smile-and-kiss-your-superior-asses-job). That was my turning point. Never have I imagine to handle a career problem this way. Nor that I believe I can't survive without those benefit (i.e. concession tickets)..which brings me to the next best thing that could happen to a woman (I guess) or married woman. As a Christmas present to us (my husband and I) we went to see a doc on Xmas eve and he confirmed us that I am 5 weeks pregnant. My husband was flippin' happy he couldn't stop smiling all the way from the hospital and continue the whole day after. I was shocked and anxious and don't know how to react to the news but at least I have a valid reason to stop doing what I do for living and focus on more important thing in life. ANOTHER HUMAN BEING that is growing inside me..(everytime I think about this it gives me shiver)...BUT hold on to your horses..I am NOT GOING TO ACCEPT any congratulation or well-wishes yet because I don't want to jinx it. Its still very early stage and there's a saying.."you shouldn't tell anyone until it 'pass' the first trimester" . And I am not going to be like those who clucking like a chicken just lay an egg and brag/whine all about my friggin' tummy. It's another journey I have to walk through...

Goodbye 2009..I'm closing this year's curtain with: "I thank You O God Almighty, and please forgive me for my sin and bless those people around me and help them find serenity, love and happiness, may they succeed in their venture for the year ahead and the next years after"

Peace for all!

What To Expect When You're......

NOT WORKING! haha! gotcha!

Well...starting the day with nice cuppa hot water with lemon and honey (to combat flu and keep the fat away) at around 8am (yeah! you got that right..8 am) tidy up the flat a little bit until i really feel hungry for breakfast. If I do, then make myself a bowl of cereal or two-eggs omelette with spinach or whatever greens I have in the fridge.

After breakfast, and see husband off to work (maybe a morning quickie..if in mood) then tidy up Jackster's poop box..and open up my new MacBook Pro for the latest news around the world... i.e. Facebook ..and commenting on the status friends posted on that day..to see what they are up to...this may take at least 2-3 hours communicating with people around the globe. And the last hour playing games on FB..coz I'm bloody addicted to those games...

Do a few stretch at the same time and maybe a lil bit of walking in the compound or worst still..on my balcony skipping...lol! (hardly...depends on the weather)..Off to the gym by 11-ish to do some light-playful-kinda-exercise (just so that I don't waste AED345 a month for membership)..for about an hour or so.

By then it's time for lunch..either I make a quick bite to eat or really put myself in the kitchen and enjoy every bits of the food and watching some TV series or movies (we do not have cable anymore...so whatever we got from the internet)..maybe play a game or two on Sony Playstation 3 (not everyday)

Then depends on who's on my instant messenger..I chatted with them almost half the day..heheh

When husband returns...depends on how hungry he is..sometimes he had late lunch..(meaning I don't have to make dinner..which happens most days of the week) we play or sometimes he plays and I watch..or watch any pending tv series we both into..(during the day I watch MY series that he doesn't really like)...Play with Jacky boy and teasing him and chasing him for a while..and normally by 10pm, he gets really sleepy and doze off on the couch. I normally crawl into bed a bit later like 12-1am after reading book. My day was over. I woke up the next morning energized and can take anything the world has to offer.

Healing

Wow..how time flies...weeks ago I feel like the whole world is against me..stumble upon decision-making that would change every aspect of my life. The anger has left...hoping it's for good.

Time heals..

Another phase I might be entering...motherhood?? wow! who knows....lmao! can't say anything now..it's tad too early for sure.

Food for thought:

• will my life be over once becoming parent
• will i be able to enjoy myself, traveling without having to think is it safe place, do i have enough money to survive for the vacation
  
• do i have to be responsible for another life-his/her wellbeing, education, medicals, if so...how do i manage? I don't think we are both prepared to carry that responsibility yet
• will i lose my beauty sleep? ( I love my sleep...I can be a total jerk if i don't get sleep)
• once i became a parent, i can't take it back..can i? not like work..if i dont like it i quit..THIS JOB? will be with me forever..or at least until they turns 18--then do whatever they deem right

One phase over..another phase turns up...Life is a series of phases....It's all up to us to make our way through it.

Foxtrot Oscar Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar United

FYI...Kilo India Sierra Sierra Mike Yankee Alpha Sierra Sierra!!!

Fear and Loathing in Manager's Office

TODAY when I went to see my manager to discuss (telling me more like it) about what need to be done and who shall I see and submit to various steps of formality before leaving this Godforsaken shit-hole, I saw all these fake..pretentious...nice-in-front-of-me-but-the-hell-with-you-at-the-back or once they are out from the managers' office. It makes me sick looking at these sons and daughters of bitches' hypocrisy. I've been through THAT road before and it is very tiring. Grinning wide (in Malay saying: from one ear to the other) and saying 'Hi!! How are you?!..aww hon, you look great! did you lost weight?'... or...'Darling, you look amazing! what did you do? another visit to Dr. Plastic Surgeon?'...'How you doin' babe? ..hey you know so and so...he slept with so and so..and she found out! it turned out that so and so's wife knew...OMG!'....That were the normal opening phrase when one crew see another crew.

As I was just sitting quietly at one corner waiting to be called...everyone seems to know one another or at least slept-with once or twice...except me. I have been seven years with them and I know no one..NOT A SINGLE ONE. Yeah, some familiar faces one or two, maybe flown together once or twice but cannot make myself strike a conversation with them..because they don't have what I have. LOATHE.

Loathe at the fact that how can one be so pretentious as if everything is fine in the company? Nothing is fine! The company grew too fast too quickly and not anticipating what would happen without proper planning and so on. The moral of the employees goes wary sooner or later. Demotivated because before we used to know one another, say hi at the briefing facility (it was in a portable cabin, alright! Not the fancy office-look nowadays) but we were happy! Genuinely happy..we brushed shoulders from departure and arrival because it was in the same portable cabin, and we calling each other by name and we hugged people byes after a long flight, before jumping on the bus that take us home. Where are those time? It's all gone. Now we are all like robots: sign-in at the gate by minus 100minutes before STD (schedule time of departure, not the sex disease stuff) if you are late by one minute...BEEP! Not allowed to enter briefing room, please report yourself to Stand-By Lounge and marked absent for the flight. They would then be given another duty which normally stand-by or bye bye..go home! depends on the flight duty limitation (how the rest period worked out, depends on duties and flying time). Then since one person down, if they unable to call out another stand-by-ers from the lounge or home...the flight would still go on...with minimum number of crew of course.

During the flight, because of this one-minute-late-signing in, the other person has to work double the weight because passenger demands require certain number of crew, if we don't have enough crew, standard of service may be lower than customer expectation...or sometimes other cabin would come and help (its good if First Class go and help Coach, but if the other way around? It's gonna be a chaos..coz we trained cabin by cabin...junior will climb up to Business or First Class depends on their time with the company) Back to where we were....oh yes, when the service is bad or customer complain on why is he not getting his specific wine and why hasn't the glass changed...WHO TO BLAME?! the crew, because we don't do our job well...HELLO!!!

Just A Thought

I was browsing my husband's photo gallery and the thoughts of how many places we have been together these years makes me think...I have seen places not everyone have the opportunity to see..and perhaps many more to come. There's so much more in life that I yet to experience.But, would I regret leaving the ever so great (so you think) flying job to do what? Breed. Life must move on..right? Before you're single, then you met a guy, you date, then you marry, and then..having kids...the cycle of life. That's what we are here after all isn't it?

I am so damn comfortable in my skin flying here and there, have no concern and worries about others apart from my life (and husband..and cat of course..now that I am married and have a cat), buy whatever things I want, spend on whatever I feel like, go wherever I feel like going..When does it going to end? Never! It's as simple as we are only human, enough is never enough for us. That brings me to my second thought...

Maybe it is time to get out from my comfortable zone and continue the purpose of life. Just like Eleanor Roosevelt said "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience" .

Hence, I am doing my notice month now although I wish to be leaving immediately, but my contract says 30-days written notice. I have nothing in hand to be proud of materialistically but all the experience I had with Emirates Airlines certainly I am taking them with me. I now doesn't have to fight with the scheduling for giving my as a senior in my grade a shitty roster, or have to write an explanation letter to my manager as to why was I absent the day before or why was I calling in sick two days in a row... I don't have to put on my smiling face even though I don't feel up for it that day but do it anyway because it is part of the uniform part of the job as a flight attendant. Not anymore it affects me that my colleagues keep on bitching on every single flight that their boyfriend cheated on them, how awful the passengers were, how certain race gets what they want and move up to the management level simply by joining local gym and befriended the people from the management..nor that I care if a passenger did not get his/her preferred meal on the flight and insist on getting him/her meals from business or first class as a recovery service, it's just a meal choice (if you don't like it, bring your own food), get a life! neither it hurt me in cases that certain 'nationality' flashes their British passport or US Green Card and demands to get different treatment than people from other passports...who cares what passport you are holding, you are my passenger, you ought to be treated equally...and the bitching continues...not to forget the passengers Emirates carrying LOVE..i repeat, LOVE asking for comment forms. For a silly reason like: its a 1 hour 15minutes flight and no tea/coffee been serve for the entire cabin because there's just simply NOT ENOUGH TIME! By the time the trays been collected (it's a full course hot meal, mind you--bar service followed by trays with bread/salad/main course/dessert or fruit) its time to secure the cabin because the seatbelt signs are on in preparing for landing..but before we sit down on our jumpseat, I saw comments form been given out..and when it get back to us..the reason was : NO TEA/COFFEE BEEN SERVE ON TODAY'S FLIGHT...are you serious?!

There's so much more to bitch about my experience. Maybe if you guys (reader) come back and drop by my blog..see if there's more to bitch about. (there's always more..believe me) Keep Discovering...

Truth or Just Coincidence?

	how you feel about yourself now (Justice) You are feeling that things will go your way, you believe in fairness and justice in all things. If you are considering partnership issues, personal or professional, dealings will go well. Perhaps you are about to sign a contract or legal document, this will be beneficial to you. If someone has done wrong to you it will be put right and you will feel justice has been done.
	what you most want at this moment (Wheel Of Fortune) The cards suggest su, that what you most want at this time is a turning point in your life and positive change - well expect it now. Life will go up a gear or two and events will accelerate forward. Destiny is at play here - have you noticed a number of events that seem rather a coincidence? This is synchronicity, trust it and go with the flow.
	your fears (The Chariot) The word failure isn’t in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations. Things aren’t going to plan at all, just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you’ll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.
	what is going for you (The Tower) Sometimes sudden disruptive change is inevitable, and as painful as it may seem, we come through it a stronger and better person. No matter how disruptive things are at the moment, or if you feel life is really against you, re-evaluate and move on - often a new direction can bring new opportunities you never dreamed of. If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks.
	what is going against you (The World) As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays - stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.
	outcome (Strength) Courage and self-belief is what you need to succeed. You may already feel overflowing with this, and if so there’s no doubt you will achieve what you want with your career, finances and love life. If you are feeling negative, look inward for that strength and courage, you know you are capable of having self-belief and you’ll reap great rewards.

It's raining men...

Hallelujah! It's raining men...Amen.. and the song goes on...

It's been raining here in the arid desert once a year for a few days and it is enough to make the whole place goes chaos. Those who always drive 120km/h still drives like a madman on the road that has poor drainage system creates a chaos when their car started hydro-planing and swerving uncontrollably and start the accidents. Roads throughout the city were jam-packed with cars that are slowing down because of these accidents and puddles on the road. Some were stuck for five and a half hours in the car going home from work. Not to mention at junctions people were honking one another to give way or to get out of their way or either plain angry because of the length of time they spent in the vehicle. I was driving without destination and came across these incidents (just for the fun of it, hey I miss the rains alright!). I saw at least two accidents along my 4 hours drive, one ambulance and two police cars in separate locations.

Flash floods due to lack of draining pipe on the road makes it worse. Few roads were closed and even basement parking of Mercato Mall on Jumeirah Road also shut down during this rainy days (3 days continuosly that is..LOL)

NOTE: It rains few days every year but the road still has a very poor drainage. Even the newly built roads...Have they not learned????

Rain started on last Friday all over the weekend (weekend here is Friday & Saturday). Cool rain, I love it! 17 degrees Celsius during the day and one or two degrees lower during the night, absolute moments I've been waiting for. Compensation for the hot summer months (from late April til end of October this year) does make the heat forgotten. Sipping my hot cocoa (made traditionally by heating low fat milk in a pot and add pure cocoa drinking powder until the lumps from the cocoa gone, and stir all the time until it thickens, add a marshmellow or two to add flavor)..absolutely delighted. Snuggling with my husband watching telly and my cat purring nearby, just the moment I need to make all seems better. There's always silver lining in dark clouds I hear people say..which is true.

Alamak!

Why laaa?? Want to transfer my residence visa from my company sponsorship to my husbands' put me in too much hassle. He told me that we need to get our marriage certificate (err....where did I keep it?) attested in UAE Embassy in KL and then bring it over here so the UAE government can attested that it has been attested by Embassy in KL that we are legally married (like bloody 2 years ago in Malaysia already!! duuuhhh!) And THEN only we can transfer the visa? haiyaaaa! Is there anymore complications I have to face at this time? FOXTROT OSCAR!

Ayoyo...

Today's entry I wanna talk rubbish..no need good English grammar..this is how we Malaysian use our English...haha, we called it Manglish. Sometimes people has no clue what we say are we talking in Malay or English..they can hear some English word, but the tonation is totally kancheong (in Malay means lintang pukang, in English means haywire)

Today my bestfren asking about plane tickets...before I dont care how much it cost..now that I'm about to throw away my flying job (dont ask why...had enough olredi) ayoyoooo cost so damn much la! mampos la if I want to go for holiday in the future. I'm putting my thinking cap on as for should I stay unhappy at work for the sake of tickets.. hmmmm wot to do..wot to do...

Lets make money!!!

check this out! Lets get rich together! tralalalalaaaa

I'm doin' it!

Against everyone, I'm going to get a motorcycle license here. If this is all it takes to make me happier in this sand pit...the hell with it!

First step: asking for a letter from my sponsor a.k.a my company (coz in this part of the world, the sponsor plays a prudent role in all expat community). Want to open a bank account, must get a no-objection letter..want to change job, former employer needs to issue a no-objection letter to the new employer saying so and so has worked in this company and they have no objection for this so and so to start at the new place. To learn how to drive also need a no-objection letter for him/her to drive in this country.--so that's CHECKED! (it will be ready in the next few days via internal mail..so I should check mailbox at the EGHQ soon)

Second step: getting 7 pieces of passport photo (What the heck are they going to do with 7 photos, don't ask!) --CHECKED!

Third step: Passport copy with residence visa page -- CHECKED!

Fourth step: This I was not quite sure, someone told me I have to ask permission from Road & Transport Authority to apply for a motorcycle license since I am a woman (WTF????) --NOT CHECKED and I need to find out tomorrow

Fifth Step: Cost about AED1500-1800 --CHECKED!


I've always wanted to own a motorbike. Now that my car has done financing..I may sell it and buy a bike instead. We do not need three cars in life of two household, do we? So, make sense if we have only two..one for me, one for him..and a bike for me! to fulfill my passion. All I heard was don't ride in this country, it's dangerous..if you want a free death certificate, go for it then! And others was just agree to that statement. If you going to die, you'd die..regardless where and when or on what. If that's my destiny, so be it. It's been written...I JUST ACCEPT it. *wink*

So, this is my next challenge/project dealing with my mid-life (I know..mid-life at thirty...huhhh) crisis..lmfao!

So people, talk to me...shall I go for it? Shall I pursue my dreams of destruction? Or shall I just be the average thirty year old married woman with average job and average life?

Can't Help It But...

...feeling a little down today compared to yesterday. Today I had to underwent another blood test from the company clinic because they said my glucose level is borderline high than normal. I have diabetic family starting from my mom, to her siblings and few cases on my late father's side too. Chances of me developing one is quite serious too although I don't take sugar in my drinks, I don't like sweet stuff like cakes or chocolate or ice-cream. I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables..but nevertheless, it's there in the family. I'm prone to have some sort f hereditary disease whether I like it or not. (I can't choose my family, can I?)

Someone said to me the other day..I need to be accepting. Accepting the inevitable written by some Divine power and it is not in my hand to say otherwise. During a camping trip the other day, I met this couple..earning probably twice less than me and some of their friends lost their job during this economy crisis and didn't fail to mention that I should be thankful to still have a job and retain it for as long as I want to. Not worrying about how many kids I have to feed back in the home country, how to pay the bills every month when things are getting expensive here in this city. I accept.

Next Step is...

figuring out what I want to do with my life that I am feeling a little bit better and happier than a couple of weeks ago. Told myself that feeling would go away and here I am..being myself..working on my issues bit by bit and until I can decide and wishing whatever the decision I made would be final. Friends told me that I am indecisive, so I would like to prove them wrong this time.

The key here is avoid being alone and share what you feel with others. The longer you keep things to yourself, the more heavy it gets in the chest. Be it just a matter of how you want garbage bin should be lined whenever your partner took the trash out to more serious matter in a relationship. It is very important to also keep telling yourself, that no one is perfect and that he is just perfect for you. And if you think you are good, someone else is better than you, mark my word! It doesn't mean that you shouldn't look for every single criteria/standard that you want just bear in mind that we are not perfect either. If you let this be your principle, I'm sure we are all going to achieve what we are searching for. As someone said "be the butter to my bread and breath to my life" compliment each other... not you, you, you, me, me,me...

Renewal

First of December 2009...the marking of new season-Winter in the northern hemisphere, Summer in the southern hemisphere..the change of wind perhaps could bring new horizon to explore. Hopefully the last autumn leaf had fallen to the ground and be buried in the soil making it fertile for the trees to produce new leaves for the next spring.

This day I marked for myself to renew all sorts of darkness and pain I felt, and new leaf would means new chapter to strive upwards to the next challenge life has to offer. If I could bypass this phase, there's nothing in this world I couldn't conquer.

Patience is a virtue they say...there's some truth in it. Let the nature take its course, might as well be true. So here I am, letting the nature seep in.

dusk

one of the beautiful sunset I see in this arid desert.

back on track...?

maybe..maybe...(God please let it be true).. I forced myself out from the flat and went to have shisha with that girl that is soooo wrong for a friend. I asked her out because other friends are out of town..one on vacation and the others flying. My husband was out with his colleagues (I refused to join coz its going to be talking about work...work..work). She was all made up for a shisha and I was just in my jeans and T-shirt, no make up..simple as I am, we went to Shoo Fee Ma Fee at Madinat Jumeirah.. Far from fun, I was just stare at the moon and people

around than making conversations with her. She has this mad-woman laughs that I have to shushhh her so many times. Embarrassingly loud laughter she has maybe to attract attention, well, there's this group of men (with ties and shirt, maybe drinks after work, and they speak Spanish...2 of them quite an eye candy) maybe that's what she thought worth attracting...

Night went fine, I stayed until 2am (when they have to close the place)...I was lightheaded from the shisha, but felt okay overall. She asked if I wanted to join her at the gym tomorrow...In normal circumstances, I would say NO..(because it is her who ask)...but then what the heck...I should get back on track anyways..so I say yes (BIG decision).

The next day I went to RPM class(spinning) at Dubai International Financial Centre..cursing myself all the way. But still force myself to be there by 10.30am. Got there, change and I was on the bike then. It was a great workout (how my muscles react the next day, the hell with it) I took it slow..but at some point I thought I'm getting a heart attack. Jaw aching and my heart feels its going to explode. I slowed down a lot...luckily nothing happened. Phew!

God do I feel better the next day?? Yeah, actually I do... that's with one session of work out and 2 sessions of counseling, and I liked it. Although I still have some moments alone, thinking..but I don't want to dwell on it.

So yesterday my husband and I took a drive through the mountains in Wadi Asimah near the East Coast. Had BBQ in between the gorges and enjoy the quietness of the mountains. That was great activity to spent on our 7th year anniversary (met..not the marriage)..until...

...one local guy appeared with his small 4x4 right next to ours. Of all the places in the mountains, he HAVE to parked his car near ours?? Before that there was one white Range Rovers ( with 2 local guys) have a secret meeting with the guy by his window. We were busy BBQ-ing and chatting but at the same time I was watching them. Either the range rover guy handed over something to this guy or the other way around, not quite sure but later they move on. Their behaviour makes me feel a bit uneasy but continue what we are doing anyways to avoid suspicions..then he lit up a pipe (smoking type) and smoke a few puffs and gets out of the car. It was quite close vicinity and the wind blowing towards us, but I don't smell anything illegal..so that's that.

Then I saw he removed something from the seat and there's a freaking rifle in his hand. WTF! I was already anxious and my husband was too..He wants to pack up and go but I said relax, don't show that we are nervous. By that time I was a bit more composed than my husband. He was supposed to make me feel calmer in this rifle situation but it is the other way around. I don't blame him though..but I can managed feeling so calm and when the guy walk pass us, I offer him something to eat and say salam and he answer back and say thank you. A young local guy with a rifle, and i offer him food...?? ..that was my spur of the moment.. right there. We asked him "what do you hunt?" and he says "I don't speak English" and said something about goat..So we thought he's hunting goat..it's Eid al Adha anyway..then he walk away into the mountain walls and vanished. Once he's out of sight we quickly pack our stuff and go. We heard 5 rounds from his rifle echoing though the mountains. What a day!

Just Another Day...

..with the counselor, it has been quite good with the progress..since I managed to see someone else than last week..today she'd get to know me and explore my past a bit. I am not much of a spilling-out-in-the-open kind of person especially with a total stranger. I shut my husband off FFS..and to speak what I feel to a stranger...I don't think so. Although she had a way of making me feel comfortable and building a rapport with her and she just wait until I'm ready to speak without any judgement or a facial expression.

She also made me laugh at one point which make it the first laugh I had in 2 weeks. I felt a bit better when I came out from her office. She seem confident and know what she talking about when addressing my feelings. Fair enough, I'll give her a chance...so open up was what I did, there's so much to explore yet so little time.

Half an hour after I left...I was driving down the parking garage and there's this young guy who was about to get out from the parking. He pointed at me as a sign "I'm leaving...here's a parking spot for you"...and I signed back "thank you, but I'm also leaving"..and out of nowhere...I felt so emotional and tears started flowing down. I was thinking, 'thank God there's at least one good person in this country who's good to others.' And I felt so damn terrible for behaving the way I behaved in the past 2 weeks.

Something Needs To Be Fixed

When? I don't know..when the highest swell from the waves of sorrow started to ease up a bit...I guess...Oh...I am well aware that the world is not evolved around me, sweetheart..And I also know that I haven't been a good friend. God knows for how long...and I'm sorry.. from the deepest part of my heart I'm really sorry...I was being a self-centered b!tch and from the things I said earlier have hurt some feelings. Feelings that I cared for so much like my own...(now doesn't count though coz now I don't really care about anything *sneer*) If it ever breaks and if I'm not able to fix it..I'd be soo sorry for the rest of my life. I would never be able to forgive myself either...ever.

Serabut

Read in between the lines...could you? If this graffiti can depict on how i feel..it's nothing, really..to some it is beautiful...to me it is SERABUT.

Putting what's in my head in writing is hard enough..that's why there is a saying...PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Anger

Anger...a word that I use everyday nowadays. Angry...a feeling that I feel everyday nowadays.
How I wish I could just flip the bird like the old lady above did. Something must have happen to this sweet old lady until she showed the finger. Funny isn't it? How things can be sooo irritating until the fury comes and take over. The whole body shaking, tips of the fingers tingling and then became numb. The anger starting to emerge and if you let it out, things can get ugly.
That is what I feel, past the feeling ugly..past the feeling irritated...past the feeling annoyed, past the feeling guilty...and past the feeling cranky. All these negativity seems like never going to end. The more I tried to throw away in the deepest hell, the more it came up and hovering around me. What a word, huh...

Small things can really release the beast in me at this moment. And I hate it. I hate that I feel this way to everyone. I hate that when I say sorry, no one thinks that I meant it. I hate the fact that when I need some support..all friends vanished..poof! gone... God damned the therapist who asks me to mingle among friends and be sociable..sociable my ass! No one care! What ever happens..happens..so be it. Couldn't care less! All i see is RED!

She said go out..have fun..exercise (the worst advise ever!) Fine! I went to Ali Campbell Concert with my husband and a good friend of mine...fun? yeah, why not reggae music, dancing ala Bob Marley...okay..I should feel good right? Feel a little bit of adrenaline..with the loud music...NOT AT ALL! My head was all mixed up. Angry with the company I worked for, how they never appreciate my work, and living in fear for not able to speak my mind coz everyone working for Emirates is living in fear. Fear of losing their job and became a snitch to the company..Pretentious bastards and bitches who became your colleagues and friends and then stab right in the middle of your back! Assholes passengers who think we are their maid and continuously disrespect us, but hey can we say anything about that? NO..why? Coz the company will always favor the customers. They'd say : "work or you leave...no one force you to be here, YOU choose to be here" Then...we're like...hmmm....what to do? Where to turn to? No one! coz why? Everybody has some level of problems..swallow it!

Depends on how much can you swallow..at one point its going to make you bloat. And one day it has to escape through which ever holes you have. Sometimes the more you tries to plug the hole it gets bulged somewhere else. When there's not enough plug to support the holes, it IS going to explode. It's just pure science. No doubt about it. How do you fix it then????

...

Hmm...interesting...Dr. McIvor requested me to go for a blood sample...maybe I was using drugs LOL! If I was, I wouldn't be seeing her, would I? So, blood test on Sunday and maybe..only MAYBE she would prescribe me some meds...this is freaky stuff..

I also had a chat with my husband..told him that I think of leaving him and took off..He felt really down but I think he deserves to know how I feel. In order for him to morally support me, he should know these things. Apparently he has no clue although he mentioned that I was gradually became more grumpy and snappy at him over the years...He also acknowledge that the Doc might be right about me being depressed.

How do I feel? I hate my life...still..I hate my feeling that I don't have the feeling to love. I still hate everything and everybody. I hate that I have to smile all the time to face those assholes at work. No one competent in doing their job in this country. No laws can support any employees in this country. This country is an effin F$@&!%%!!-up country..

...tbc....

Bad News

I just came across something I thought I'm not going to fall into in this 30 years of life. One of my good friend took a plunge and call my company welfare office and fix an appointment for me to see a psychologist! I don't know whether I should thanked her or get mad at her for making me do this. I'm f^^@#!& dragging my ass off the flat and go to see one of company's own psychologist...spill my guts out over and over, crying over and over, eat more and more...sleep more and more. I hate everything and everyone in my life! That's the truth (for now at least). When I spill my guts out to another good friend of mine..she went berserk! Asking what am I after now??? What do I want? Well...now you know..I don't want anything...I just want to sleep so this feeling that I have will go away.

So..she made me do this questionaires and then the look on her face changed...she said I need treatment and medication! WTF!!! Is this for real?? Me? taking meds for being me? hahahahaah! I started to laugh and shaking my head, this can't be..

But I want to feel happy again. I want to feel the love again. I want to smile genuinely again. I want to feel high and content again. Where did those feeling go??

This is the hardest thing I've ever going to do in my life. Telling a stranger about my feelings. As if she's going to understand. As if this will help..

So I hate everybody including myself for not being able to fix this and let it out of hands...my own hands..

And here we go...tomorrow I will see THE doctor....stay tuned...

Just A Phase

This is something I wonder when things in life turns sour. Is it a phase in someone's life that they think life is meaningless, why can't they be happy, what do they want exactly and worse when they feel suicidal.


Joseph M. Carver Ph.D mentioned in his research that serotonin is the brain's "oil". http://www.enotalone.com/article/4116.html

How Low Serotonin Levels Affect Your Body

Slightly Low Serotonin Levels - As your body burns through its supply of serotonin and your serotonin levels gradually drop, you may begin to feel a bit scatterbrained ("Why did I just come downstairs?" ) and you may have trouble finding the last word to your sentence even though you got plenty of sleep last night. If you have low serotonin levels, you may also begin to feel worn out by small tasks like walking out to your mailbox.

Moderately Low Serotonin Levels - As your serotonin levels continue to decrease, you may begin to feel so sleepy that you want to go to sleep at dusk and wake up at noon. During this sleep, though, you may wake up a lot and worry about small things. You may not feel quite up to hanging out with your friends after work. The article you read about a little boy dying might make you break down into tears. (In fact, the baby diaper commercial could even cause you to get a little teary eyed.) You have no interest in sex, you are hungry all the time or you have no appetite at all, and everything your family says to you seems to make you feel angry or hurt. In addition to all this, if you have low moderately low serotonin levels, you may have unexplained body sensations like hot flashes, stomach pains and headaches. Overall, you feel sad and insecure, but you can't always put your finger on the reason why.

Extremely Low Serotonin Levels - As your low serotonin levels begin to bottom out, you may feel a shift in your thinking patterns. You may begin to think on super speed about thoughts you can't control. These thoughts may be about horrible scenes from your past or they may be imagined. In addition to this, you may feel numb to everything around you. You don't care about your future or the well-being of your own daughter. Extremely low serotonin levels can cause you to overreact to small problems. (For example, you may scream at someone who asked you a polite question or throw a stapler across the room if it stops working.) If your serotonin levels are this low, you likely have scary ("evil") fantasies, feel like you need to escape by taking off in your car, and become overly obsessive/compulsive about things you used to simply be concerned about (e.g. getting sick by exposure to germs). When you have extremely low serotonin levels your body may continue to feel terrible or worsen: your temperature fluctuates, your stomach hurts, and your head feels like it's about to explode. You might even over-analyze these problems and think that they are a serious disease.

Lowest Serotonin Levels - When your serotonin levels drop dangerously low, you will most likely be suicidal. You will feel as though the world would be better off without you, and you consider ways to end your life.

Now that you are aware of some of the most common symptoms of low serotonin levels, you will have a better chance of noticing when your own serotonin levels are dropping. If you or those around you begin to wonder if you are depressed, seek help as soon as you can. Depression is extremely common but it is very treatable.

SO??? AM I DEPRESSED??

What A Dream!

I had a very sad dream, it wasn't last night but a few nights ago. I woke up sobbing. Then I quickly grab a pen and paper which always in the drawer next to my bed.And this is how the dream went.
*I met a 7year-old boy called Muhamad or Ahmad..not so sure. He was living on his own by a small river that snaking through woods/jungle. He seems happy. I called him over from where he sit and sat with him on a tree bench and ask him, "where's your parents?", and he said, "they were gone during a flood". Then I asked again, "How do you live here by yourself?" and he answer, "I'm used to it". I said, "no one used to it when you are only 7 years old and by yourself!" Then he smiled. At the same time I woke up from that dream and found myself crying.
In the dream I was thinking of giving him some money to buy something for himself and giving him lollies (which I carries with me all the time) so he can feel that there's someone out there for him.
AFter I talked to him, I decided to take him home with us (Kalle was there too but he was sleeping in the tent quite far away from where I was sitting with the boy) I started cryig harder when I woke up and found tears were flowing like the river down my cheeks.When I woke up it hit me: How we all living in this material world still thinking it is not enough (it's never enough) where there's some soul out there live day by day and alone. How ungrateful we are sometimes. Right at the time when I open my eyes I heard the azan calling for morning prayer. I felt so touched by the meeting with that lonely boy just before azan woke me up. I woke up and pray for the world to be a better place. And I can't stop crying. I felt hollow and crushed. The whole day I didn't speak to anybody.Switched my phone off and locked myself in the flat.

Annoyed

After I came back from my holiday, I feel annoyed by someone...Yes, I did something I shouldn't do but that doesn't make me feel better about her. We went on holiday together and God knows how dreadful I was during the whole trip. I was purposely did what I did over there so she would leave me alone and stop buggering me.

Another thing that annoys me is that the feeling for my marriage..it became soul-less...I wasn't that excited seeing my man who I haven't see in 10 days.WHY????? The feeling of wants to be alone emerges..the feeling of not wanting to have children came back. How do I say this to him? This will break his heart...this will release the fire in him. Or maybe he'd understand...I don't know.. DAMN you J.D.A!! See what you've done?? I am hoping this only temporary feeling as this is not the first time..it came and go especially for not having kids...

The third annoyance is that why wouldn't he leave me alone..I'd like to spend time blogging..or surfing and there he is...coming in and out the room checking on me...wtf!!! let me be!!!

Male Revue vs. Female Stripper

What are the difference between male revue and female stripper? Why when I said I went to Chippendales Show in Vegas, I received so many negative feedback.That they are yucky, extravagant men who loves to dance and tease women on stage and grope women and take them on stage and tease them...and throw their ripped shirt off their body to the lucky girls down from the audience. AND female stripper? they got tips from whomever they've given lap dance to. Which is yuckier??? The one get the tips or the one just wanna make sure girls have their fun fullfilling their fantasies..No doubt the erotic movements by these men are really take your breath away, but at the end of the day these men are not working for tips.

They claimed that they are dancers and performers and NOT male-strippers.. I Let you be the judge when you see one of these shows.

And I kept telling myself that they are gay. (maybe just to please myself) There's NO WAY these perfect built men, good-looking and sweet in person be straight. That's just not possible...not in real world. I had came across of them in person, who praises the way you look and make you feel safe and adored and cared for. (And I kept telling myself "Naah...he just being nice, maybe he even been trained to say these kind words and make any girls fall for it"..there's NO WAY I can be with them even if they are straight...") They sure know how to push the buttons ;)

But then again, they are also human being..human who perhaps have preference and likings that are differ from others. One of them sure make my heart beats faster than it should. One of them sure sent me safe trip wishes on my phone before I leave....(then my conscience tells me: "this wouldn't be happening..he's just being nice to the fan and he wouldn't jeopardize his career and befriended to me?") All these mixed feeling left me anxious...what if this, what if that..One of them sure made me feel like leaving the world behind me and ran off somewhere...

Fun NOT So Fun..

Hiya folks! welcome to another piece of my life story. Just came back from another desert. Me and desert? can't be separated huh...
This time I was being brave to go all out with a female travel companion. I am not really close with this person..just an acquaintance really. We worked together and at that time we thought we'd clique but along the run I found she's quite obnoxious but what the heck, she kept calling me despite my signs and obviously she doesn't get the hints and we continue going for movies or coffee or just hang out. Although I MUST either pick her up or drop her home or both since she doesn't drive and I do...Nevertheless I have made a treaty with her looooong time ago to go on vacation together, you know I don't have many friends here in this sandpit and my close friends are tied up with their family and boyfriends. And my bestfriend is back home hence if someone seems sane enough to be my friend, why the hell not.
Few times I managed to dodge her dates on vacation and said : "sorry..I don't get the dates for our holiday"..simple enough..but cannot use the same excuses too many times. Then I was like okay, lets just get this over and done with, maybe if I was bitchy enough..this would be the last time she ever want to go on holiday with me.
And it turned out that she wasn't so bad...unless when I'm sober. So I choose not for most of the time. And I had fun..during the day...NOT so fun..if you know what i mean..lol!
One thing I thought how bad can she be, right? So..okay...lets see..we both know where we are going to be and what kind of weather to expect..we are both flight attendant for God sake, how is it possible not to get prepared? We always packed our suitcase for all the seasons JUST IN CASE we got last minute change and voila! the suitcase is ready.
Not in her case apparently..She just pack all summer dresses (i know..she went to Mexico before she met me in LV) but still...and only flip flops and open toed heels? C'mon...
To make matters worse, it gets really windy and chilly due to seasonal weather change and even I had not anticipate this and get myself a nice (not too expensive) jacket just to be sure that I'm comfortable in this weather. Knowing my spending habit, I don't care..if it's a NEED TO basis..why would you rather shiver in cold and not able to do/see things than buy a cheap jacket so it doesn't ruined the activities?
Fine! She can borrow my newly bought jacket...I have another jumper that would keep me warm. My point is....How can someone be that cheapo??
Then she kept ranting about pole-dancing class..She even book one class for me before I arrived! Hello!!! Do you know the word "ASK"? But me, being a team player...what the heck I'm on holiday..give her a break..I went..It was fun yes...one class is enough...the moves you learn, its pretty much the same..and it's all gonna come from within..to let your sexiness out, you don't have to keep going for 4 days straight! So everyday I managed to get away from her for an hour and a half while she went for her pole dancing lesson, I'm enjoying my cocoa by the Bellagio fountain or watch people on the street or have a drink or two..I'm pretty much occupied.
Night time, we spent most of the time watching shows--->from MY gambling money, of course. The more I win the more shows we can go and see. I can't use the money for food anyways..so why not entertainment. The only good thing with her is that she's OKAY with me staying at a black jack table and doesn't rush me off like my husband do. I may just be okay to go there again because she doesn't get bored at the table. Maybe she's hoping she would get lucky with the guys..who knows.
One more thing that pisses me off was that she brings NO I.D. with her. She doesn't drive..so no driving license..no government issue I.D for that matter..One night I got really irritated coz I want to go into this club and I managed to get in..but she got stuck at the door because there's no ID..wtf! how can you not bring an ID???? I CAN stay in if I wanted to (she also said I should've stayed) but no..I wouldn't do that...so fine, we just chill at an open air bar enjoying ginger ale...lol!
And the next night I reminded her to carry the passport--she refused coz if it get stolen then we'd be in more deep trouble.Okay, I understand...then what shall we do? Play more black jack or watch more shows...
She got lucky one night, we were dancing (in a club that we managed to get her in without proper ID, since we get to know this hotel security guy and he gave us free admission) hehe...nice if you are a girl, huh!I went to get a drink and when I get back there's this cute guy dancing/groping her already. He was smashed, and she doesn't drink. So, I thought hmm I might end up going back to our room alone...then his friends came and ask him to leave. He wanted her to come with them and she wanted me to join...SORRY! I don't do groupies..LOL! I told her go ahead and I'll just chill, besides I have this security guy somewhere in the club on my side anyways...so i'd be safe. They got talking...and she didn't leave with them..The next day all I heard was : "I should've take him back..or I should've gone with him.." all day long....for F&^#%! sake.. why didn't you?????? You are adult enough to decide for yourself..why dragging me into this?

.....to be continued...

Here I am...on this fine Midwest day, sun is shining..slow breeze in the air.. I'm chilling out at one of the park, having my lunch on a bench and thinking what to write to update this thingy. As I am enjoying my McDonald salad (i know..right?) my eyes were scanning around, people are much happier here..they stroll around the park with their dogs..big, small, cute,ugly...throwing frisbee to the dog and he fetch..dogs went chasing after squirrels..squirrels chasing each other..what a lovely sight..families playing kites and relaxing on the grass, couples reading together.. all these are what I'm missing living in that freakin' sand box. I am missing so much simple life, the real thing..things that aren't for sale..no one can buy these happiness..not with money..The more I observe these things..the more I'm longing to leave...



Last night I spent almost the whole night talking to newly-found friends. Well, one of them I met online..we get to chat a bit and he wish we could meet up..and he introduce me to his best friend. She is truly an amazing woman! Her partner just had a very bad accident with a tree in their backyard. Hit him really hard on the chest and he's now unconscious in the ICU in a local hospital. And she had a few meltdown from that incident. This friend of mine..he is such an angel..always by her side and comforting her day and night to make sure she feels safe and kept her on track. And I got to talk to these people quite a bit, and I'm amazed by their hospitality and their curiousness towards people outside their country. Some questions were quite hilarious, although to others, they might find it offensive, but as much as I am wanted to learn about their mentality, I also wanted to educate them about things outside what they've known. They have been told this and that and assume things what they thought is really happening outside of their world..Well, some things are true and some are not, so it was my job to straightened things up for them and explain first hand...Glad they accepted it without judgment and neither do I.



Few days before I went driving northeast of the state and came across a very interesting way of life. The Amish people. I learnt that the Amish here are the largest population in the world. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amish They refuse to follow the development and still live in a conservative living. Using no electrical nor mechanical in their daily lives. No cars, no motor-operated-machines..just plain and simple. Bicycle and horse buggy to travel everywhere. Using horse to plough their land and wearing a very plain and simple clothing. They preserved their food and vegetables, kept in jars and use them accordingly. The word 'REFUSE' gives me a lot to think about. Why? Why these people still living in a kind-of-medieval era?



Alas..I'm leaving tomorrow from the Midwest USA. Although I cannot really called it midwest coz I only came to one state..nevertheless I learned a lot about this part of the world. This IS what I want, being able to see things that are in the norm of others but interesting to me.

Till then..cheerios!

Traveling Solo

Welcome fellow reader...this entry and few more to come would be about me traveling around the globe. 2 months ago I wasted my time not going anywhere and doing anything...Then one day it struck me in the head.."hey, why not go somewhere far away...go all out..see the world..so what if I don't have money...experiencing new things and doing something I would never dreamed of doing maybe something I should venture on so I can tell these stories to my grandchildren in the future..."
So I decided..where to start?
My husband had to go to Ireland for some work for two weeks..and I'm rotting alone in the sand pit, waiting for him to come home..day after day he tells me he had to extend his stay..so Ireland was the first destination..Traveling to Limerick in Clare County has its own challenge..the weather sucks...early fall..so it rains..and rains..Wet and windy and chilly...I came prepared..so no biggie..

Just stayed for the weekend in Limerick since I have far more interesting place yet to go.. *wink* wink* ...In Ireland during a tour to the Cliffs of Moher, I met with a good friend from home. He was visiting Dublin for a while now...so I suggested that he also come to the Cliffs on the same day...and voila! He did! That was awesome! I made a new friend too...his friend who studied in Dublin and continue working as a Doc specialising in Respiratory..(Don't know exactly what she do..perhaps something to do with breathing and lungs..LOL). We exchange numbers and she also loves to travel..that's good news..I always need a lady travel partner..Since none of my bestfriend(s) willing to do what I'm doing...I had to search for a lady partner. Although would be nice if YOU (yes...you..you know who you are) could be that partner. *sigh*

Husband is a great partner to travel with too...but sometimes its good to escape from the routine and do all-girls-vacation..(Sorry dear...You know I love you and loves traveling with you too you know)

That was the first part...stay tuned..

Emptiness

I feel....empty. Yes that's the word I'm looking for. Empty.Period. I felt hollow. Is it missing someone..? I don't know. Is it missing something...? I don't know. The tear duct is almost overflow, but I will contain it as long as I can. No point letting the tears flow..as if this emptiness would get filled.

Do I have friends..? Yes. Do I want to see them..? No. Why..? Because I'm empty. Do I need help..? I don't know...Maybe all I need is SEX..LMAO! With whom..? Husband of course! But...where is he..? He is 5906.23 kilometers away from me. Again...LMAO! And what? For another week? GREAT!!!

What do I normally do when I feel like this? I punch/kick/throw something. Well, at least when my both knees are healthy. Now they went to an extensive surgeries repairing my ACL in the past 5 years. So, can I kick..? NO.

My diagnosis : I HATE THIS COUNTRY I'M LIVING IN. period.

What's Money Worth

Content, happy life does not determined by how much you have in your bank account. This blog I dedicated to my friend out there who lost most of his/her business in this economic downturn. As I told him/her life is like a wheel, it will keep on rolling..sometimes we are on top, and sometimes we are at the bottom, depends on how fast that wheel spins.

I've been blessed that I have great friends who'd be there to comfort me. After all..life isn't all about money.

PROs & CONs

I want to go back because...

• hot, dusty,sandy almost all year round
  
• people are crappy
• don't have many friends...loads of friends for fun, but not true friends..good friends left,pursuing their live goals
• everyone in hurry, no time made for each other..no quality time
• never feel like home here, constitution sucks-no law in favour to expats here
• never would be able to get benefits as locals do
  
• the rich treat the poor badly, no conscience (the poor are also human for heavensake!)
• superficial..no real greens...imagine if one wants to take kids out to play--->IN A MALL?? and it is charged by the hour! Kids don't get to learn dirty..how to improve their immune if everything is indoor???
  
• i don't want to raise kids here in this country (I want my kids to earn what they want, not take things for granted)
• misses the rain/food/friends
• I can ride motorbike (been dreaming all this time)
  

I want to stay because..

• no one bothers us here
  
• no one care about what car we drive, what clothes we wear, how much we spend
• i love my job, my flying job.. hate the company but it does take me places
• i may not able to travel freely like now as i have to buy full fare tickets
• afraid that my families/relatives would be nosy with my family's way of life
• worries that Kalle would find another (younger/skinnier/prettier) Malaysian girls as these girls would do anything if they want (touche)
  
• we can make more money here
• it's halfway between Malaysia and Finland, strategic location
  

Moving on...??????

It's time! Really??! I'm stunned by it...really? Is my life here in the sand pit almost over? Hard to believe but isn't that what I want? To leave this Godforsaken shit hole, leave these uncivilized people, arrogant sons of bitches and materialism? Isn't this the time I've been waiting for? Isn't this the prayer I always asked from Him above? Could it mean that my prayers has been answered? Could my mothers' prayers has been answered too? This feeling I have is a mixture between happy and anxious. Happy to leave from here finally and yet anxious on moving back to Malaysia. After all the reason I left was not to go back there. Why? I AM Malaysian, I can always go back whenever I want...I want to see and live in other places first. (Haven't I had enough travel and see places?) --->It is never enough.

But what if I'm not happy back home? What if all my relatives won't leave me alone? What if my mother would not stop nagging about how to live my life? What if I becoming Santa Claus? (Help other people more than I should)..Would they understand that I am NO Santa Claus, we are not wealthy, we are comfortable here but far from wealthy. What if my brother would always asking me for help? What if when I don't help people, we'd be the target of gossips and bad words? What if my husband found beautiful younger girls who would throw themselves at him anytime? In Malaysia, that is possible. Girls looking for financial stability/foreigner would do things no one can imagine. Would I be okay with that? NO!!! And black magic...that can ruin everything. I've seen it happen in my extended family, her marriage collapsed when another woman decided to take her husband for money. It's not uncommon back there. And people believe in it... : "hmm...look at that, he follows what ever she wants, she's using black magic"...that's the problem. Bad mouthing other people..I hated it so much! Thats the culture : who have more money, who have nice car, who have expensive clothes, i'm over that! I couldn't care less..but would the society leave me at that?! I don't think so.

Here in this shitty place, I don't have to worry about these things...Yes people do steal other people's man but to what extend? Not that far, believe me.

Would I sacrifice the peace of living anonymously in this society to a much harder society back home? That's something I have to think about.

An Angel Sent from Above

How lucky I am having this Godsend husband. Just spoken to him on the phone half an hour ago..how this long distance relationship kills me..haha! And after I spill out my guts whether should I or shouldn't I go back to the hot sandy pit or stay a bit longer..finish up my riding lessons or perhaps continue my plan for the little getaway...well...I'm kinda embarrassed to change my mind again...especially with the girls...

This is what he said: "You worked hard all this while, and now you have some time off..enjoy it!" Aren't he such an angel? I am grateful to God that he allows me to have this man as a husband.

Now, what should I say to the girls?? "May I please join you guys...AGAIN??" LOL! The biggest indecisive person they've ever met--->ME!

Girls...I'm sorryyyy...All I do now is just kept quiet..let this be a lesson for the future!

Bike and Me

Riding bike has been my dream since young age. Not only after I met my ex-boyfriend that I had a feeling about bike but it goes well before, well..during high school all my puppy love has a bike, I'm used to ride theirs..I stole my late father's bike(he was a young-at-heart kinda chap, he owns Suzuki RXZ). When I was 16..pushing it away from the house when he had an afternoon nap and ride away in the neighbourhood.
My first crush on an older guy who ride big Kawasaki something..something..(before I don't know the model, just the name)..He knew I liked him and always ride in front of my mothers' food stall and smile at me...(that time how I wish I could ride too) I was 14 at that time..I learnt the first time and went into a ditch at our old house in Kajang when I was 13.It's just a small Boon Siew Honda 'kapchai' owned by my brother in law but his brother sort of taking care of it and I ask him to teach me..
Then when I get older, I met a bunch of friends who owns Ducatis, Honda R1 & R6 and Aprilia Pegaso. Wish I would've taken a license back then when it's still easy to get and cheaper. But people always said its dangerous and if it rains, you'd have to stay under the bridge..BUT DO THEY UNDERSTAND THE FEELING RIDING ONE????

Had to bury the dream for a while and continue with my life...get a well-paid job..get married...but now the feeling emerges...I don't think I can contain it anymore..I HAD to RIDE again...LEGALLY so to say.

And in Dubai, for a woman to get a motorcycle license, one has to get an approval from Dubai Road & Transport Authority (RTA)..don't blame them, coz people get killed on UAE roads everyday..speeding, unskillful drivers, lack of awareness and proud to own a huge 4 X 4 so they can drive super fast on 5 sometimes 6 lane highway. Riding a bike in UAE can be well mean to get a DEATH CERTIFICATE free of charge.

So since we might..err..might...move back here in Malaysia..(maybe when we have kids that ready to go to school)..so, I'm thinking why not..its easier to get the license now than later since I have the time and money).Even if I don't..I wish I could ride in Europe where people ride safely..maybe do a tour with Kalle's Finnish friends across Finland and Denmark or Sweden..maybe...

I Hate The Fact That I....

Where shall I begin, I hate the fact that I:

• indecisive;
  
• couldn't stick to my promise ( I promised certain people for a little getaway, but at the end felt unjust to my husband hence the guilt)...
• why: because I felt that it's not fair for him that I go having fun with the girls on an island and he had to work to bring home the bacon. Yes he never complains..why should i take things for granted when he's being such an angel to me.
  

• had to extend my stay here in Malaysia because of taking a full motorcycle license, and if i didn't do it now...i don't know when will I have the chance. (that's another story in another entry)

Excited

Wahhh...this is my third entry so far, excited to write, are we? heheheh... Actually while waiting to be hired by the farmers at Farm Town, why not scriblling a line or two. It's the latest addiction, I tell you! Blame my mother in law, she dragged me into this. Then I dragged my BFF to join..as she claimed, that I was ahead of her for a while, that's true....BUT NOT ANYMORE! Like she said, with determination and dedication, anyone can make anything happen. Totally agreed to that.. I just wish my dedication is not only into this silly game but also in real life (which I frankly doubt)...but hey..at least we all know that it is proven, right?

Anyhooo come and join us....fun guaranteed..(tapi tak la sampai lambat gi keje heheh)

Why BJORN?

Coz I'm married to a bear..well not literally...technically BJORN in Scandinavian means bear. In Finnish it's called 'karhu', not so commercialized as Bjorn, since I married a Finn, so Bear it is.

And in my mother tongue means 'beruang' also not very commercial and too long to pronounce. The mother part I just made it up, maybe the motherly instinct is already blossoming..hehe (no, i'm not pregnant) I do like children, others' obviously..I don't know if I can handle my own.

People keep asking when when when..When it comes, it comes you know..I'm in no hurry..(tick..tock..tick..tock..my eggs sound)

Where To Start

So, where whall I start? Everyone nowadays having a blog, what's the deal..don't ask me, I haven't got any clue. Some say its fun, some need to say out loud what they think in their head..some also says it is therapeutic to put whats in your head in writing..me? I dunno, the latter i think. I have shit loads of time but don't know where they went. All the years pass before me so quickly and I had the impression that I haven't grasp any of it. Yes, I got married (phew..to some people they think it would never happen), I've travelled almost everywhere in the world, embraced new cultures and learn new things but why is it that I still feel empty?! What the heck is wrong with me? Every day I wake up asking myself, what to do today? And the answer is always.."let me sleep some more"...if I don't face the computer all day long (when I'm not flying) I'd rather sleep or play video games and read. I have no wish to see anyone or been out of the flat.

I'm well aware of the 'condition' but rather keep it to myself for this moment, after all..it's therapeutic, remember?

I guess living in a sandbox does take its toll. I always thought I'd be happier living here in the Middle East. Modern city, you can get whatever you wish for any time. I have the chance to travel when ever I want..but no..i'm not as happy as people think I am. More than meets the eye, figuratively speaking.

So, here I am...writing a blog for the whole world to read..or at least who ever can find it.