Emptiness

I feel....empty. Yes that's the word I'm looking for. Empty.Period. I felt hollow. Is it missing someone..? I don't know. Is it missing something...? I don't know. The tear duct is almost overflow, but I will contain it as long as I can. No point letting the tears flow..as if this emptiness would get filled.

Do I have friends..? Yes. Do I want to see them..? No. Why..? Because I'm empty. Do I need help..? I don't know...Maybe all I need is SEX..LMAO! With whom..? Husband of course! But...where is he..? He is 5906.23 kilometers away from me. Again...LMAO! And what? For another week? GREAT!!!

What do I normally do when I feel like this? I punch/kick/throw something. Well, at least when my both knees are healthy. Now they went to an extensive surgeries repairing my ACL in the past 5 years. So, can I kick..? NO.

My diagnosis : I HATE THIS COUNTRY I'M LIVING IN. period.

What's Money Worth

Content, happy life does not determined by how much you have in your bank account. This blog I dedicated to my friend out there who lost most of his/her business in this economic downturn. As I told him/her life is like a wheel, it will keep on rolling..sometimes we are on top, and sometimes we are at the bottom, depends on how fast that wheel spins.

I've been blessed that I have great friends who'd be there to comfort me. After all..life isn't all about money.

PROs & CONs

I want to go back because...

• hot, dusty,sandy almost all year round
  
• people are crappy
• don't have many friends...loads of friends for fun, but not true friends..good friends left,pursuing their live goals
• everyone in hurry, no time made for each other..no quality time
• never feel like home here, constitution sucks-no law in favour to expats here
• never would be able to get benefits as locals do
  
• the rich treat the poor badly, no conscience (the poor are also human for heavensake!)
• superficial..no real greens...imagine if one wants to take kids out to play--->IN A MALL?? and it is charged by the hour! Kids don't get to learn dirty..how to improve their immune if everything is indoor???
  
• i don't want to raise kids here in this country (I want my kids to earn what they want, not take things for granted)
• misses the rain/food/friends
• I can ride motorbike (been dreaming all this time)
  

I want to stay because..

• no one bothers us here
  
• no one care about what car we drive, what clothes we wear, how much we spend
• i love my job, my flying job.. hate the company but it does take me places
• i may not able to travel freely like now as i have to buy full fare tickets
• afraid that my families/relatives would be nosy with my family's way of life
• worries that Kalle would find another (younger/skinnier/prettier) Malaysian girls as these girls would do anything if they want (touche)
  
• we can make more money here
• it's halfway between Malaysia and Finland, strategic location
  

Moving on...??????

It's time! Really??! I'm stunned by it...really? Is my life here in the sand pit almost over? Hard to believe but isn't that what I want? To leave this Godforsaken shit hole, leave these uncivilized people, arrogant sons of bitches and materialism? Isn't this the time I've been waiting for? Isn't this the prayer I always asked from Him above? Could it mean that my prayers has been answered? Could my mothers' prayers has been answered too? This feeling I have is a mixture between happy and anxious. Happy to leave from here finally and yet anxious on moving back to Malaysia. After all the reason I left was not to go back there. Why? I AM Malaysian, I can always go back whenever I want...I want to see and live in other places first. (Haven't I had enough travel and see places?) --->It is never enough.

But what if I'm not happy back home? What if all my relatives won't leave me alone? What if my mother would not stop nagging about how to live my life? What if I becoming Santa Claus? (Help other people more than I should)..Would they understand that I am NO Santa Claus, we are not wealthy, we are comfortable here but far from wealthy. What if my brother would always asking me for help? What if when I don't help people, we'd be the target of gossips and bad words? What if my husband found beautiful younger girls who would throw themselves at him anytime? In Malaysia, that is possible. Girls looking for financial stability/foreigner would do things no one can imagine. Would I be okay with that? NO!!! And black magic...that can ruin everything. I've seen it happen in my extended family, her marriage collapsed when another woman decided to take her husband for money. It's not uncommon back there. And people believe in it... : "hmm...look at that, he follows what ever she wants, she's using black magic"...that's the problem. Bad mouthing other people..I hated it so much! Thats the culture : who have more money, who have nice car, who have expensive clothes, i'm over that! I couldn't care less..but would the society leave me at that?! I don't think so.

Here in this shitty place, I don't have to worry about these things...Yes people do steal other people's man but to what extend? Not that far, believe me.

Would I sacrifice the peace of living anonymously in this society to a much harder society back home? That's something I have to think about.

An Angel Sent from Above

How lucky I am having this Godsend husband. Just spoken to him on the phone half an hour ago..how this long distance relationship kills me..haha! And after I spill out my guts whether should I or shouldn't I go back to the hot sandy pit or stay a bit longer..finish up my riding lessons or perhaps continue my plan for the little getaway...well...I'm kinda embarrassed to change my mind again...especially with the girls...

This is what he said: "You worked hard all this while, and now you have some time off..enjoy it!" Aren't he such an angel? I am grateful to God that he allows me to have this man as a husband.

Now, what should I say to the girls?? "May I please join you guys...AGAIN??" LOL! The biggest indecisive person they've ever met--->ME!

Girls...I'm sorryyyy...All I do now is just kept quiet..let this be a lesson for the future!

Bike and Me

Riding bike has been my dream since young age. Not only after I met my ex-boyfriend that I had a feeling about bike but it goes well before, well..during high school all my puppy love has a bike, I'm used to ride theirs..I stole my late father's bike(he was a young-at-heart kinda chap, he owns Suzuki RXZ). When I was 16..pushing it away from the house when he had an afternoon nap and ride away in the neighbourhood.
My first crush on an older guy who ride big Kawasaki something..something..(before I don't know the model, just the name)..He knew I liked him and always ride in front of my mothers' food stall and smile at me...(that time how I wish I could ride too) I was 14 at that time..I learnt the first time and went into a ditch at our old house in Kajang when I was 13.It's just a small Boon Siew Honda 'kapchai' owned by my brother in law but his brother sort of taking care of it and I ask him to teach me..
Then when I get older, I met a bunch of friends who owns Ducatis, Honda R1 & R6 and Aprilia Pegaso. Wish I would've taken a license back then when it's still easy to get and cheaper. But people always said its dangerous and if it rains, you'd have to stay under the bridge..BUT DO THEY UNDERSTAND THE FEELING RIDING ONE????

Had to bury the dream for a while and continue with my life...get a well-paid job..get married...but now the feeling emerges...I don't think I can contain it anymore..I HAD to RIDE again...LEGALLY so to say.

And in Dubai, for a woman to get a motorcycle license, one has to get an approval from Dubai Road & Transport Authority (RTA)..don't blame them, coz people get killed on UAE roads everyday..speeding, unskillful drivers, lack of awareness and proud to own a huge 4 X 4 so they can drive super fast on 5 sometimes 6 lane highway. Riding a bike in UAE can be well mean to get a DEATH CERTIFICATE free of charge.

So since we might..err..might...move back here in Malaysia..(maybe when we have kids that ready to go to school)..so, I'm thinking why not..its easier to get the license now than later since I have the time and money).Even if I don't..I wish I could ride in Europe where people ride safely..maybe do a tour with Kalle's Finnish friends across Finland and Denmark or Sweden..maybe...

I Hate The Fact That I....

Where shall I begin, I hate the fact that I:

• indecisive;
  
• couldn't stick to my promise ( I promised certain people for a little getaway, but at the end felt unjust to my husband hence the guilt)...
• why: because I felt that it's not fair for him that I go having fun with the girls on an island and he had to work to bring home the bacon. Yes he never complains..why should i take things for granted when he's being such an angel to me.
  

• had to extend my stay here in Malaysia because of taking a full motorcycle license, and if i didn't do it now...i don't know when will I have the chance. (that's another story in another entry)