Bad News

I just came across something I thought I'm not going to fall into in this 30 years of life. One of my good friend took a plunge and call my company welfare office and fix an appointment for me to see a psychologist! I don't know whether I should thanked her or get mad at her for making me do this. I'm f^^@#!& dragging my ass off the flat and go to see one of company's own psychologist...spill my guts out over and over, crying over and over, eat more and more...sleep more and more. I hate everything and everyone in my life! That's the truth (for now at least). When I spill my guts out to another good friend of mine..she went berserk! Asking what am I after now??? What do I want? Well...now you know..I don't want anything...I just want to sleep so this feeling that I have will go away.

So..she made me do this questionaires and then the look on her face changed...she said I need treatment and medication! WTF!!! Is this for real?? Me? taking meds for being me? hahahahaah! I started to laugh and shaking my head, this can't be..

But I want to feel happy again. I want to feel the love again. I want to smile genuinely again. I want to feel high and content again. Where did those feeling go??

This is the hardest thing I've ever going to do in my life. Telling a stranger about my feelings. As if she's going to understand. As if this will help..

So I hate everybody including myself for not being able to fix this and let it out of hands...my own hands..

And here we go...tomorrow I will see THE doctor....stay tuned...