dusk

one of the beautiful sunset I see in this arid desert.

back on track...?

maybe..maybe...(God please let it be true).. I forced myself out from the flat and went to have shisha with that girl that is soooo wrong for a friend. I asked her out because other friends are out of town..one on vacation and the others flying. My husband was out with his colleagues (I refused to join coz its going to be talking about work...work..work). She was all made up for a shisha and I was just in my jeans and T-shirt, no make up..simple as I am, we went to Shoo Fee Ma Fee at Madinat Jumeirah.. Far from fun, I was just stare at the moon and people

around than making conversations with her. She has this mad-woman laughs that I have to shushhh her so many times. Embarrassingly loud laughter she has maybe to attract attention, well, there's this group of men (with ties and shirt, maybe drinks after work, and they speak Spanish...2 of them quite an eye candy) maybe that's what she thought worth attracting...

Night went fine, I stayed until 2am (when they have to close the place)...I was lightheaded from the shisha, but felt okay overall. She asked if I wanted to join her at the gym tomorrow...In normal circumstances, I would say NO..(because it is her who ask)...but then what the heck...I should get back on track anyways..so I say yes (BIG decision).

The next day I went to RPM class(spinning) at Dubai International Financial Centre..cursing myself all the way. But still force myself to be there by 10.30am. Got there, change and I was on the bike then. It was a great workout (how my muscles react the next day, the hell with it) I took it slow..but at some point I thought I'm getting a heart attack. Jaw aching and my heart feels its going to explode. I slowed down a lot...luckily nothing happened. Phew!

God do I feel better the next day?? Yeah, actually I do... that's with one session of work out and 2 sessions of counseling, and I liked it. Although I still have some moments alone, thinking..but I don't want to dwell on it.

So yesterday my husband and I took a drive through the mountains in Wadi Asimah near the East Coast. Had BBQ in between the gorges and enjoy the quietness of the mountains. That was great activity to spent on our 7th year anniversary (met..not the marriage)..until...

...one local guy appeared with his small 4x4 right next to ours. Of all the places in the mountains, he HAVE to parked his car near ours?? Before that there was one white Range Rovers ( with 2 local guys) have a secret meeting with the guy by his window. We were busy BBQ-ing and chatting but at the same time I was watching them. Either the range rover guy handed over something to this guy or the other way around, not quite sure but later they move on. Their behaviour makes me feel a bit uneasy but continue what we are doing anyways to avoid suspicions..then he lit up a pipe (smoking type) and smoke a few puffs and gets out of the car. It was quite close vicinity and the wind blowing towards us, but I don't smell anything illegal..so that's that.

Then I saw he removed something from the seat and there's a freaking rifle in his hand. WTF! I was already anxious and my husband was too..He wants to pack up and go but I said relax, don't show that we are nervous. By that time I was a bit more composed than my husband. He was supposed to make me feel calmer in this rifle situation but it is the other way around. I don't blame him though..but I can managed feeling so calm and when the guy walk pass us, I offer him something to eat and say salam and he answer back and say thank you. A young local guy with a rifle, and i offer him food...?? ..that was my spur of the moment.. right there. We asked him "what do you hunt?" and he says "I don't speak English" and said something about goat..So we thought he's hunting goat..it's Eid al Adha anyway..then he walk away into the mountain walls and vanished. Once he's out of sight we quickly pack our stuff and go. We heard 5 rounds from his rifle echoing though the mountains. What a day!

Just Another Day...

..with the counselor, it has been quite good with the progress..since I managed to see someone else than last week..today she'd get to know me and explore my past a bit. I am not much of a spilling-out-in-the-open kind of person especially with a total stranger. I shut my husband off FFS..and to speak what I feel to a stranger...I don't think so. Although she had a way of making me feel comfortable and building a rapport with her and she just wait until I'm ready to speak without any judgement or a facial expression.

She also made me laugh at one point which make it the first laugh I had in 2 weeks. I felt a bit better when I came out from her office. She seem confident and know what she talking about when addressing my feelings. Fair enough, I'll give her a chance...so open up was what I did, there's so much to explore yet so little time.

Half an hour after I left...I was driving down the parking garage and there's this young guy who was about to get out from the parking. He pointed at me as a sign "I'm leaving...here's a parking spot for you"...and I signed back "thank you, but I'm also leaving"..and out of nowhere...I felt so emotional and tears started flowing down. I was thinking, 'thank God there's at least one good person in this country who's good to others.' And I felt so damn terrible for behaving the way I behaved in the past 2 weeks.

Something Needs To Be Fixed

When? I don't know..when the highest swell from the waves of sorrow started to ease up a bit...I guess...Oh...I am well aware that the world is not evolved around me, sweetheart..And I also know that I haven't been a good friend. God knows for how long...and I'm sorry.. from the deepest part of my heart I'm really sorry...I was being a self-centered b!tch and from the things I said earlier have hurt some feelings. Feelings that I cared for so much like my own...(now doesn't count though coz now I don't really care about anything *sneer*) If it ever breaks and if I'm not able to fix it..I'd be soo sorry for the rest of my life. I would never be able to forgive myself either...ever.

Serabut

Read in between the lines...could you? If this graffiti can depict on how i feel..it's nothing, really..to some it is beautiful...to me it is SERABUT.

Putting what's in my head in writing is hard enough..that's why there is a saying...PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Anger

Anger...a word that I use everyday nowadays. Angry...a feeling that I feel everyday nowadays.
How I wish I could just flip the bird like the old lady above did. Something must have happen to this sweet old lady until she showed the finger. Funny isn't it? How things can be sooo irritating until the fury comes and take over. The whole body shaking, tips of the fingers tingling and then became numb. The anger starting to emerge and if you let it out, things can get ugly.
That is what I feel, past the feeling ugly..past the feeling irritated...past the feeling annoyed, past the feeling guilty...and past the feeling cranky. All these negativity seems like never going to end. The more I tried to throw away in the deepest hell, the more it came up and hovering around me. What a word, huh...

Small things can really release the beast in me at this moment. And I hate it. I hate that I feel this way to everyone. I hate that when I say sorry, no one thinks that I meant it. I hate the fact that when I need some support..all friends vanished..poof! gone... God damned the therapist who asks me to mingle among friends and be sociable..sociable my ass! No one care! What ever happens..happens..so be it. Couldn't care less! All i see is RED!

She said go out..have fun..exercise (the worst advise ever!) Fine! I went to Ali Campbell Concert with my husband and a good friend of mine...fun? yeah, why not reggae music, dancing ala Bob Marley...okay..I should feel good right? Feel a little bit of adrenaline..with the loud music...NOT AT ALL! My head was all mixed up. Angry with the company I worked for, how they never appreciate my work, and living in fear for not able to speak my mind coz everyone working for Emirates is living in fear. Fear of losing their job and became a snitch to the company..Pretentious bastards and bitches who became your colleagues and friends and then stab right in the middle of your back! Assholes passengers who think we are their maid and continuously disrespect us, but hey can we say anything about that? NO..why? Coz the company will always favor the customers. They'd say : "work or you leave...no one force you to be here, YOU choose to be here" Then...we're like...hmmm....what to do? Where to turn to? No one! coz why? Everybody has some level of problems..swallow it!

Depends on how much can you swallow..at one point its going to make you bloat. And one day it has to escape through which ever holes you have. Sometimes the more you tries to plug the hole it gets bulged somewhere else. When there's not enough plug to support the holes, it IS going to explode. It's just pure science. No doubt about it. How do you fix it then????

...

Hmm...interesting...Dr. McIvor requested me to go for a blood sample...maybe I was using drugs LOL! If I was, I wouldn't be seeing her, would I? So, blood test on Sunday and maybe..only MAYBE she would prescribe me some meds...this is freaky stuff..

I also had a chat with my husband..told him that I think of leaving him and took off..He felt really down but I think he deserves to know how I feel. In order for him to morally support me, he should know these things. Apparently he has no clue although he mentioned that I was gradually became more grumpy and snappy at him over the years...He also acknowledge that the Doc might be right about me being depressed.

How do I feel? I hate my life...still..I hate my feeling that I don't have the feeling to love. I still hate everything and everybody. I hate that I have to smile all the time to face those assholes at work. No one competent in doing their job in this country. No laws can support any employees in this country. This country is an effin F$@&!%%!!-up country..

...tbc....

Bad News

I just came across something I thought I'm not going to fall into in this 30 years of life. One of my good friend took a plunge and call my company welfare office and fix an appointment for me to see a psychologist! I don't know whether I should thanked her or get mad at her for making me do this. I'm f^^@#!& dragging my ass off the flat and go to see one of company's own psychologist...spill my guts out over and over, crying over and over, eat more and more...sleep more and more. I hate everything and everyone in my life! That's the truth (for now at least). When I spill my guts out to another good friend of mine..she went berserk! Asking what am I after now??? What do I want? Well...now you know..I don't want anything...I just want to sleep so this feeling that I have will go away.

So..she made me do this questionaires and then the look on her face changed...she said I need treatment and medication! WTF!!! Is this for real?? Me? taking meds for being me? hahahahaah! I started to laugh and shaking my head, this can't be..

But I want to feel happy again. I want to feel the love again. I want to smile genuinely again. I want to feel high and content again. Where did those feeling go??

This is the hardest thing I've ever going to do in my life. Telling a stranger about my feelings. As if she's going to understand. As if this will help..

So I hate everybody including myself for not being able to fix this and let it out of hands...my own hands..

And here we go...tomorrow I will see THE doctor....stay tuned...

Just A Phase

This is something I wonder when things in life turns sour. Is it a phase in someone's life that they think life is meaningless, why can't they be happy, what do they want exactly and worse when they feel suicidal.


Joseph M. Carver Ph.D mentioned in his research that serotonin is the brain's "oil". http://www.enotalone.com/article/4116.html

How Low Serotonin Levels Affect Your Body

Slightly Low Serotonin Levels - As your body burns through its supply of serotonin and your serotonin levels gradually drop, you may begin to feel a bit scatterbrained ("Why did I just come downstairs?" ) and you may have trouble finding the last word to your sentence even though you got plenty of sleep last night. If you have low serotonin levels, you may also begin to feel worn out by small tasks like walking out to your mailbox.

Moderately Low Serotonin Levels - As your serotonin levels continue to decrease, you may begin to feel so sleepy that you want to go to sleep at dusk and wake up at noon. During this sleep, though, you may wake up a lot and worry about small things. You may not feel quite up to hanging out with your friends after work. The article you read about a little boy dying might make you break down into tears. (In fact, the baby diaper commercial could even cause you to get a little teary eyed.) You have no interest in sex, you are hungry all the time or you have no appetite at all, and everything your family says to you seems to make you feel angry or hurt. In addition to all this, if you have low moderately low serotonin levels, you may have unexplained body sensations like hot flashes, stomach pains and headaches. Overall, you feel sad and insecure, but you can't always put your finger on the reason why.

Extremely Low Serotonin Levels - As your low serotonin levels begin to bottom out, you may feel a shift in your thinking patterns. You may begin to think on super speed about thoughts you can't control. These thoughts may be about horrible scenes from your past or they may be imagined. In addition to this, you may feel numb to everything around you. You don't care about your future or the well-being of your own daughter. Extremely low serotonin levels can cause you to overreact to small problems. (For example, you may scream at someone who asked you a polite question or throw a stapler across the room if it stops working.) If your serotonin levels are this low, you likely have scary ("evil") fantasies, feel like you need to escape by taking off in your car, and become overly obsessive/compulsive about things you used to simply be concerned about (e.g. getting sick by exposure to germs). When you have extremely low serotonin levels your body may continue to feel terrible or worsen: your temperature fluctuates, your stomach hurts, and your head feels like it's about to explode. You might even over-analyze these problems and think that they are a serious disease.

Lowest Serotonin Levels - When your serotonin levels drop dangerously low, you will most likely be suicidal. You will feel as though the world would be better off without you, and you consider ways to end your life.

Now that you are aware of some of the most common symptoms of low serotonin levels, you will have a better chance of noticing when your own serotonin levels are dropping. If you or those around you begin to wonder if you are depressed, seek help as soon as you can. Depression is extremely common but it is very treatable.

SO??? AM I DEPRESSED??

What A Dream!

I had a very sad dream, it wasn't last night but a few nights ago. I woke up sobbing. Then I quickly grab a pen and paper which always in the drawer next to my bed.And this is how the dream went.
*I met a 7year-old boy called Muhamad or Ahmad..not so sure. He was living on his own by a small river that snaking through woods/jungle. He seems happy. I called him over from where he sit and sat with him on a tree bench and ask him, "where's your parents?", and he said, "they were gone during a flood". Then I asked again, "How do you live here by yourself?" and he answer, "I'm used to it". I said, "no one used to it when you are only 7 years old and by yourself!" Then he smiled. At the same time I woke up from that dream and found myself crying.
In the dream I was thinking of giving him some money to buy something for himself and giving him lollies (which I carries with me all the time) so he can feel that there's someone out there for him.
AFter I talked to him, I decided to take him home with us (Kalle was there too but he was sleeping in the tent quite far away from where I was sitting with the boy) I started cryig harder when I woke up and found tears were flowing like the river down my cheeks.When I woke up it hit me: How we all living in this material world still thinking it is not enough (it's never enough) where there's some soul out there live day by day and alone. How ungrateful we are sometimes. Right at the time when I open my eyes I heard the azan calling for morning prayer. I felt so touched by the meeting with that lonely boy just before azan woke me up. I woke up and pray for the world to be a better place. And I can't stop crying. I felt hollow and crushed. The whole day I didn't speak to anybody.Switched my phone off and locked myself in the flat.

Annoyed

After I came back from my holiday, I feel annoyed by someone...Yes, I did something I shouldn't do but that doesn't make me feel better about her. We went on holiday together and God knows how dreadful I was during the whole trip. I was purposely did what I did over there so she would leave me alone and stop buggering me.

Another thing that annoys me is that the feeling for my marriage..it became soul-less...I wasn't that excited seeing my man who I haven't see in 10 days.WHY????? The feeling of wants to be alone emerges..the feeling of not wanting to have children came back. How do I say this to him? This will break his heart...this will release the fire in him. Or maybe he'd understand...I don't know.. DAMN you J.D.A!! See what you've done?? I am hoping this only temporary feeling as this is not the first time..it came and go especially for not having kids...

The third annoyance is that why wouldn't he leave me alone..I'd like to spend time blogging..or surfing and there he is...coming in and out the room checking on me...wtf!!! let me be!!!

Male Revue vs. Female Stripper

What are the difference between male revue and female stripper? Why when I said I went to Chippendales Show in Vegas, I received so many negative feedback.That they are yucky, extravagant men who loves to dance and tease women on stage and grope women and take them on stage and tease them...and throw their ripped shirt off their body to the lucky girls down from the audience. AND female stripper? they got tips from whomever they've given lap dance to. Which is yuckier??? The one get the tips or the one just wanna make sure girls have their fun fullfilling their fantasies..No doubt the erotic movements by these men are really take your breath away, but at the end of the day these men are not working for tips.

They claimed that they are dancers and performers and NOT male-strippers.. I Let you be the judge when you see one of these shows.

And I kept telling myself that they are gay. (maybe just to please myself) There's NO WAY these perfect built men, good-looking and sweet in person be straight. That's just not possible...not in real world. I had came across of them in person, who praises the way you look and make you feel safe and adored and cared for. (And I kept telling myself "Naah...he just being nice, maybe he even been trained to say these kind words and make any girls fall for it"..there's NO WAY I can be with them even if they are straight...") They sure know how to push the buttons ;)

But then again, they are also human being..human who perhaps have preference and likings that are differ from others. One of them sure make my heart beats faster than it should. One of them sure sent me safe trip wishes on my phone before I leave....(then my conscience tells me: "this wouldn't be happening..he's just being nice to the fan and he wouldn't jeopardize his career and befriended to me?") All these mixed feeling left me anxious...what if this, what if that..One of them sure made me feel like leaving the world behind me and ran off somewhere...

Fun NOT So Fun..

Hiya folks! welcome to another piece of my life story. Just came back from another desert. Me and desert? can't be separated huh...
This time I was being brave to go all out with a female travel companion. I am not really close with this person..just an acquaintance really. We worked together and at that time we thought we'd clique but along the run I found she's quite obnoxious but what the heck, she kept calling me despite my signs and obviously she doesn't get the hints and we continue going for movies or coffee or just hang out. Although I MUST either pick her up or drop her home or both since she doesn't drive and I do...Nevertheless I have made a treaty with her looooong time ago to go on vacation together, you know I don't have many friends here in this sandpit and my close friends are tied up with their family and boyfriends. And my bestfriend is back home hence if someone seems sane enough to be my friend, why the hell not.
Few times I managed to dodge her dates on vacation and said : "sorry..I don't get the dates for our holiday"..simple enough..but cannot use the same excuses too many times. Then I was like okay, lets just get this over and done with, maybe if I was bitchy enough..this would be the last time she ever want to go on holiday with me.
And it turned out that she wasn't so bad...unless when I'm sober. So I choose not for most of the time. And I had fun..during the day...NOT so fun..if you know what i mean..lol!
One thing I thought how bad can she be, right? So..okay...lets see..we both know where we are going to be and what kind of weather to expect..we are both flight attendant for God sake, how is it possible not to get prepared? We always packed our suitcase for all the seasons JUST IN CASE we got last minute change and voila! the suitcase is ready.
Not in her case apparently..She just pack all summer dresses (i know..she went to Mexico before she met me in LV) but still...and only flip flops and open toed heels? C'mon...
To make matters worse, it gets really windy and chilly due to seasonal weather change and even I had not anticipate this and get myself a nice (not too expensive) jacket just to be sure that I'm comfortable in this weather. Knowing my spending habit, I don't care..if it's a NEED TO basis..why would you rather shiver in cold and not able to do/see things than buy a cheap jacket so it doesn't ruined the activities?
Fine! She can borrow my newly bought jacket...I have another jumper that would keep me warm. My point is....How can someone be that cheapo??
Then she kept ranting about pole-dancing class..She even book one class for me before I arrived! Hello!!! Do you know the word "ASK"? But me, being a team player...what the heck I'm on holiday..give her a break..I went..It was fun yes...one class is enough...the moves you learn, its pretty much the same..and it's all gonna come from within..to let your sexiness out, you don't have to keep going for 4 days straight! So everyday I managed to get away from her for an hour and a half while she went for her pole dancing lesson, I'm enjoying my cocoa by the Bellagio fountain or watch people on the street or have a drink or two..I'm pretty much occupied.
Night time, we spent most of the time watching shows--->from MY gambling money, of course. The more I win the more shows we can go and see. I can't use the money for food anyways..so why not entertainment. The only good thing with her is that she's OKAY with me staying at a black jack table and doesn't rush me off like my husband do. I may just be okay to go there again because she doesn't get bored at the table. Maybe she's hoping she would get lucky with the guys..who knows.
One more thing that pisses me off was that she brings NO I.D. with her. She doesn't drive..so no driving license..no government issue I.D for that matter..One night I got really irritated coz I want to go into this club and I managed to get in..but she got stuck at the door because there's no ID..wtf! how can you not bring an ID???? I CAN stay in if I wanted to (she also said I should've stayed) but no..I wouldn't do that...so fine, we just chill at an open air bar enjoying ginger ale...lol!
And the next night I reminded her to carry the passport--she refused coz if it get stolen then we'd be in more deep trouble.Okay, I understand...then what shall we do? Play more black jack or watch more shows...
She got lucky one night, we were dancing (in a club that we managed to get her in without proper ID, since we get to know this hotel security guy and he gave us free admission) hehe...nice if you are a girl, huh!I went to get a drink and when I get back there's this cute guy dancing/groping her already. He was smashed, and she doesn't drink. So, I thought hmm I might end up going back to our room alone...then his friends came and ask him to leave. He wanted her to come with them and she wanted me to join...SORRY! I don't do groupies..LOL! I told her go ahead and I'll just chill, besides I have this security guy somewhere in the club on my side anyways...so i'd be safe. They got talking...and she didn't leave with them..The next day all I heard was : "I should've take him back..or I should've gone with him.." all day long....for F&^#%! sake.. why didn't you?????? You are adult enough to decide for yourself..why dragging me into this?

.....to be continued...